Never before has life been quite so crazy, so up in the air, so unsure. If one more thing goes wrong, we could end up being homeless. We're living in an extended stay place right now. At the same time, I'm trying to go to school, and my, ahem, fiance is trying to work. We need a place to live, and flat out, we don't have the money right now. So we've been looking for ways to try to find money. Loans don't work because of several obstacles that banks put out, be it the requirement of having been at a job for at least 6 months (Aaron just started and I'm unemployed), or the minimum loan of 5,000 and we just need about 1500. I barely paid for my tuition by finishing out what was left on my credit card.. now I gotta find a way to pay for my books. We've tried applying for other credit cards, and I've been looking into student loans, but all that takes so much time.. And we need money now. Desperately. It seems that our only options left would be to sell ourselves out to sex and porn (it's been in the back of our minds for a while now..) or to just end it all in blissful eternal slumber.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's been really hard trying to keep it together. Both of us have been taking turns going crazy, losing it over not knowing what to do or how we'll survive.. And in the middle of it all, we somehow find incredible support for each other..
You know what I really hate, though? I hate it when guys get weepy and bitchy, saying stuff like "I'm not good enough for you" and "You'd be much better off without me." I chose this path, dammit. I chose you and I chose this life. And I wouldn't have it any other way.. He tells me, "This is no way for you to live." Okay, I can't argue with that.. this is no way for ANYONE to live, but.. I'm sticking with it. I'm not giving up, I'm pushing through, and I'm going to keep it together, though just barely..
I dunno.. my brain is tired. My god, all the stress I've endured this past year. I must look aged. I know I'm tired. I know I'm not as much fun as I used to be. I'm not as whole as I used to be. God, I wonder what it would be like to be able to just sit back, relax, not have anything to do, to feel comfortable, secure, stable, and at home. To enjoy where I am without always looking ahead to when things will get better.
I feel so out of touch.. with myself and with other people..
*shrug*
I dunno.. I'm just rambling.. It's very hard right now.. But there's a special someone that I'm very dedicated to. I do anything for him. I wake up 7:30 in the morning just to drop him off at the bus stop so he can work. I drive him anywhere he wants to go. I'll even wash and fold his clothes now (something I swore I'd never do for another person), just because I love him. I want him to be happy. There's so much life in him.. and I want to keep that life going.
And when I come home from class to find on the hotel bed a gift bag with purple flowers in which there lies an adorable pink lit'l bear holding a heart and single fake rose with dew on it (fake because it was the first flower he gave me and so it can last forever..)and a card with the most beautiful and encouraging words that this special someone has ever written me (I still struggle to read it without crying)... I'm reminded of what I'm doing all this for..
I'm doing it for love.
Love is what makes everything worth while.
And there is no greater compliment in the world than for that special someone to offer his constant companionship, his friendship, and his love.. and basically his life.. each and every day for as long as you live. To have another human being consider you that worthy.. that he chooses you above and over all others.. Thinking about it just blows my mind away..
But there would also be no greater insult than for that person to suddenly yank it all away...
I'm doing it for love
LJ