Why do we try so hard to be happy? What is the point? Suffering is the one thing you're guarranteed in life, so why not just embrace it? Wallow in it. Misery is your friend. He'll never leave you. No matter what you do. He'll always be there for you.
Waiting.
Waiting for you to fuck up again.
So why is it so important to be happy? You try and try and try... But where do you get? You might think you're starting to get somewhere.. but then.. you come sinking down again into the arms of misery.
I was miserable as a child. Flat out. I was very lonely.. and due to the way my mother treated me, I felt very trapped. I would cling to my stuffed animals as my only friends. I would engross myself in books to escape. So many times I wanted to run away or kill myself. And so many times I would dream of the day when I would finally tell my mother off. I had no one to nurture me. There was no father figure in my life. There were just people there to constantly tell me what to do or think. I was never encouraged to think for myself and make decisions. Developing social skills was never a priority - it was such a fight to try to hang out with friends. I wasn't allowed to go to a birthday party until I was, like, 10. And she let my brother, who is younger than me, go to a birthday party before she let me. I'll never forget that. All the things she did to favor him. But.. I mean.. without positive nurturing and guidance, developing me to make my own self rather than to conform to what is expected of me.. all this has left me a very broken, weak person with very poor social skills.
And I never even thought of the concept of thinking for myself until I met Dan. And that was the end of my freshman year. I loved all the stuff I learned from him. I drank it up. But I was still depressed. I still wanted to kill myself. Why? Why couldn't I just be happy? Eventually, I did learn to like myself more, who I was, what I looked like. And I eventually even stopped cutting myself. Yeah. I used to do that a lot. But I stopped, finally, because I saw what it did to him when I hurt myself.
Therapy in my senior year really helped to fuse out the depression. Actually, I really think it was the caffeine pills that did it. Those would put me on a nice high. I stopped going to therapy specifically because I didn't like the way he had to refer to his notes about things when he would talk to me and would forget things I mentioned in last sessions. It just irked me.. But anyway, what I think REALLY did away with the depression and suicidal thoughts was when I moved out for college. People tell me that I've never looked happier. I get the feeling, though, that they say that because they think it's Aaron that's done me good..
He has done me good, though. I don't think anyone has done for me as much as he has. And I've done a lot for him, too. Probably the biggest thing I've done for him is take both him AND his friend in when they were kicked out of his house and I was still just living in the dorms. But I was just happy to have him with me..
So we're together now, in our own apartment, with plans of getting married. Am I happy now? Well.. times have been very hard, money being the biggest problem. But that should be looking up. He's finally getting his paycheck tomorrow.. and I've got an interview on Monday. But yesterday that wasn't my biggest problem. My mind had been clouded over lately with yearnings for the past. Perhaps it was my PMS talking (I usually get very depressed just before my period), or maybe I have some obssession disorder, I don't know. What is love, but an obssession, really? The obssession only seems so horrible when feelings aren't returned.
But anyway.. so it finally broke out. I have a problem. I so desperately needed someone to talk to. But I was so afraid to talk to Aaron because I knew he would leave me if I told him what was in my mind. But the repression. So much repression in my head. Beginning from the repression of holding back from my mother and lashing out my pain and anger on myself with a razor instead. I can't stand repressing so much in. I need someone to talk to. I know it's a lot for him to deal with. And he shouldn't have to deal with it. But I thought if anyone would understand, it would be him because he's had such a similar past relationship. So why can't I talk to him about it? What I'm trying to get out of my head.. He doesn't seem to understand that I wanted to talk to him about it so I CAN get it out of my head. That being able to freely tell him what's in my mind and in my heart would do so much to help me get past all the shit.. but I'm so afraid to because he'll leave me. I should've had all the shit sorted out before I got into this situation, I know, but I need his help. I want to be able to depend on him for help. I soo want to. But I'm so afraid of losing him. But I so desperately need it if I'm ever to feel at peace.
So.. like I said.. I broke out yesterday. I was crying. I didn't want to tell him, but after this I had to.. I couldn't be crying and not give him a reason. When I told him, he did want to leave - even after I made him promise. But he didn't really have a place to go. But he wanted to leave. And I was like, "no.. not this again. I can't go through this again.." And you're faced with this very wide fork in the road again of how you're going to deal with this. How you deal with this could change absolutely everything. And I thought to myself, "what the fuck am I doing?" I'm about to throw away the best thing that's ever going to happen to me, all because I can't get over my ex. All for mere demons in my head that I can't seem to control. My head was going to mess everything up again.
And so you're thrown in the face with just how good of a thing you have. I don't think I could find another person who could be any more dedicated. Time and time again, I think we've shown to each other that we'll do whatever it takes to help the other person out. Here's a person who wants to spend each and every minute of his life with me-and doesn't want to have a single memorable moment without me in it ever again. I don't know what makes me all that great.. I guess there must be something. He gets along fabulously with my family and whoever he meets- he has such a wonderful personality. He's smart, he can do so much with his life- there really is no limit to what he can do. And I WANT to see him do great things. Because I know he can. And I wouldn't settle for less. He has a very vibrant spark in him that I never want to see die. With all that he's endured, it's still very much alive.. and I never want to be the cause of damaging that in any way.
Because I love him. And he means the world to me.
I just wish I could talk to him about this issue. As hard as it is for him.. I need him to talk to. I can't be happy if I don't have a life partner that I can freely spill the contents (even the grimiest parts) of my heart to..
And why is happiness so important? Well.. maybe because, as far as we really know, we're only given one chance in this world. There are so many ways we can chose to live this life.. it's frightening, really.. So, I guess.. we want the best.. we want the happiest outcome.. because it's our only chance. So we gotta make it good.
And.. as a sidenote.. I don't blame my mother for my childhood anymore. What's done is done there, and she's actually turned out to be very cool these days. She's mellowed out a lot, even though I know she still worries. It just leaves me a lot of work with trying to build myself. And, well.. it would be great to rely on my life partner for some nurturing.. the nurturing I desperately needed as a child.. but I know he needs nurturing, too.
So we'll nurture each other. As best we can.
"The best you can is good enough..."
LJ