Last night I dreamt that you wanted me back. And I said no.
It was at some kind of gathering, function, convention, whatever.. probably at UCF 'cuz there were a lot of CCC people there, including Julie Perkowski, who I've seen here at UCF. You were seated two people down from me. You kept looking at me, but I refused to look at you and see what you wanted. Until I gave in and was like, "what do you want?"
You wanted to talk to me. Away from the crowd. You pulled some of your friends with you also. I was linked arm in arm with Melissa Franklin (I don't know why) and your friend Danny as we followed you away from the crowd to where you wanted to talk. That's where you started telling me about how you wanted me back..
My first question to you was, "Did Julia break up with you?" You said "yes."
And I just said "No." I asked you how am I supposed to know if you'll dump me for another girl again? At least with Aaron, I knew that he would never do that to me. I was insulted that you came to me after she broke up with you. Like you couldn't be alone for some reason. That you could be that desperate.. and that you think you could just toss me around like that.. So I told you, "I don't want to be any part of this."
Now, I know in real life you would never come back to me even if she did break up with you. Either you've completely lost everything you ever felt for me, or you would have too much pride. And, pride aside, I think you would know that's an indecent way to treat a human being. (Though, the way you broke up with me doesn't show a decent way to treat a human being..) Chances are low anyway that she would break up with you. Once a girl can look past the fact that you're fat, out of shape, and going nowhere in life, you end up being the perfect boyfriend. You attend to all their needs, make them feel like the most beautiful and important thing in the world, share in their thoughts and feelings and help them to understand and analyze them, encourage creativity and nourish the person that they are. You are a wonderful listener. Constantly affectionate. And you always know just what to say. That was your biggest crime. With you, I felt like I was carrying on a conversation with my sub-conscious, it was so effortless and comfortable. So why would any girl want to leave that? Of course, there's your pessimism and sarcasm, but those can end up being really great and interesting traits as well. [Oh, but as far as going nowhere in life.. I suggest skipping the university thing (it doesn't seem to be your cup of tea) and just going for webdesign at some IT school. It seems to be something you're at least interested in, designing and maintaining webpages.. I mean, why pay for university classes that you can't seem to pass? *shrug*
On the other hand, I'm still going somewhere. I'm on my way to becoming an accountant. Not because I love numbers or anything.. but for something I can rely on, that pays well, so that I have the freedom and money to pursue other things that interest me. I'm dreading the endless 40 hour work week, believe me. Hopefully, with a well-paying job I can at least tolerate it. And maybe.. we were discussing this.. as an accountant, I can handle the financing/budgeting, whatever, for Aaron's film projects. Sounds interesting, at least. Being an accountant comes in handy. First we thought I could handle the financial stuff for you owning a restaurant (what a flop that was..), and now I would be able to help Aaron.]
But.. my point is.. I dreamt about you, you wanted me back, and I said no. That's the first time that has ever happened to me in a dream. Usually, my dreams somehow find a way for us to be together again. But this time I didn't want it. I'm so proud of myself for conquering that subconscious feat.
And when I awoke this morning.. I awoke with such love and appreciation for the man already lying next to me..
LJ