*bigheavysigh*
No. I don't feel like explaining it.
I have a lot to carry, though.
And I carry it all alone.
I don't even want the person I live with to have any part of it.
I never wanted a life like this.
But I'm waiting for something.. for some reason..
I dunno..
Comforts are few.
I found a little comfort in my new job. Something familiar. My heart started to re-live the familiar motions of my high school days. Shelving books. I miss the privacy of a larger library, though.
I began to re-think my old thoughts of being a librarian. My ex had been horrified at the thought. To "settle" for something "so low." I should've known better than to listen to him about any career decisions. I might have been on my way to psychology by now. But his opinions were always important to me. More important than mine. And I always wanted to fuse my opinions to be the same as his.
But.. a librarian. Nothing "low" about it. It may seem like a quiet, humble profession. You still gotta go to school. Get a master's, even. And it pays well. Shit, I get paid $8.38 an hour just to shelve books. When I started at bp for only $6.75.
And.. I dunno.. it would seem like one of the coolest jobs. Working in the midst of a world of information at your fingertips.
*shrug*
Not a highly competitive profession. Low-key, humble. Quiet atmosphere. Low stress. 'Seems like a very "me" job..
Or something..
Or not..
Better than accounting, though, wouldn't it be? I mean, at least there would be some interest there..
I dunno..
Seriously, I've been at this "pre-mid-life crisis" for a while now. I'm not in school. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I suffer jobs just to barely make ends meet. I'm overweight. I argue constantly and can barely stand my partner. [Don't forget, still hate the car.] --
There is not a single aspect of my life that I can be happy about.
And, on top of everything, I am completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world..
I don't know what I have to look forward to. Is there anything..? Maybe when I move back to Miami.. IF financial aid works out in time..
:/
It's really hard, y'know? I have to try really hard to keep it all together. Working constantly and not having time to think about it is the best medicine.. But sooner or later.. heh.. it has to be dealt with. I know I'm all about putting things off forever, but.. It's still there.. Underneath it all..
I dunno..
And I keep beating myself over messing up my life so badly..
LJ