My name is Danielle.
And I.. am a liar.
Might as well admit it. I do it quite habitually. Not out of any sinister intentions, though, mind you. But, basically, it's for at least one of three reasons:
1. To avoid conflict and/or confrontation
2. To give the shortest story/answer possible that requires the least amount of effort to explain [For example, if the easiest answer to someone's uncomfortable question is "yes," I'll just say it even though it may not be true. That way I avoid any further uncomfortable questions of having to explain "why?" Case in point: "Are you two happy?"]
3. To further embellish my outward appearance as a very sweet, quiet girl who is basically happy and going somewhere in life. Stable, smart, not a care in the world. Even though I'm not that girl. At all. But.. anything to protect that image.
Basically, I don't like having to explain things, I guess. Not to people I'm not close with.
And that pretty much includes everyone.
[Even though.. with my ex, I used to constantly have this need to explain to him my every faintest thought or feeling..]
I must keep the wall intact. So says some incredibly paranoid part of my brain. No one must know me, it says.
But why?
Maybe because I barely know myself to begin with. Or.. maybe it's because I know all too well what a truly foul and wretched creature I am. And.. I'm.. just afraid.. of being rejected again.
I dunno.. growing up, it was all about being the perfect little child, doing whatever I can to please my mother so I can avoid her criticism and wrath. And I remember.. how all my teachers in grade school would love me, even the other kids' parents would love me.. and yet, I felt that I could never satisfy my own mother. Never good enough for her.
So all that stuff from those impressionable years carries over. And I still feel a lot of guilt if I ever disappoint or am not pleasing someone in some way. And nothing satisfies me like making someone else happy does.
Hence, my "people-pleasing disease." Which I've been reading about in one of the self-help books I've checked out at the library.
*shrug*
But Hunbun is the exception. He's always the exception. Because he brings out the worst in me.
But I read about him in a book that caught my eye at the library: How to Dump a Guy. In it, it has all kinds of profiles of the typical kinds of guys that a girl may come across in dating. I happened to open right up to the page that described Hunbun perfectly: the "Lapdog". The guy who kills you with kindness. The hardest guy to dump, because, in theory, he's the perfect guy. Willing to do anything for you. Constantly doing you favors or buying you gifts. [I have at least 10 teddie bears that he's constantly surprising me with.] The kind of guy who you'll never worry about him cheating. Who, in bed, will be constantly asking you questions like "is this good for you?" or, the worst, "How can I pleasure you?" [And, at first, I couldn't believe it, that's how he was. And I kept telling him this: "You talk too much." In a rather coy way, though. Or at least I tried. Because, dammit, sometimes you just want him to take you. Don't stop and ask for directions. But.. that should have been my first warning sign.. Just didn't see it then..]
Oh, and because he's such an overly nice guy, you find yourself testing his limits, to see how much he'll take. Which brings out the worst in you.
But.. reading that kinda reassured me a little. To an outsider, telling them the kind of stuff he does for me, they'd be like, "wow, he's the perfect guy." To an insider, it's a constant uncomfortable feeling of being smothered. And controlled. Which.. doesn't feel very good..
But.. I don't like having to explain all this. And I also don't like anyone worrying about me. So if anyone asks, you can be sure that I'll reassure my "happiness" with a smile. A distant and vague smile. But still a smile, nonetheless.
LJ