Ehh.. I left work early today. Eight hours a day of shelving, well.. it begins to really wear on you. Especially, a lot of those books are really heavy. And there's no room on the shelves, so I do a lot of pushing and shifting books over. Plus I do about a million squats a day while doing my job. The books to shelve always seem to be on the bottom two shelves, for some reason.. Often, I'll just sit on the floor..
So.. it's beginning to wear on me. Especially in the joints. I'll feel it in my knees and fingers. Like I have arthritis before my time..
But.. I was feeling especially crappy today, so I gathered up the courage to ask if it would be okay if I go home early. Before saying so, of course, I offered that I wouldn't leave until an acceptable amount of shelving was done for the day. I don't think anyone else was coming in to do it, so I felt they depended on me. But the manager said it was fine to leave right then.
And.. here's my "people-pleasing disease" working in action. I actually feel really guilty about all this. I kept asking myself, "Could I push myself to the end of the day?" And I felt guilty that I know I could've and I should've. Even if I'd be miserable doing my work all day. And it bothered me that I might be disappointing anybody or letting them down..
*shrug*
These are the things that torment my feeble soul.
Inside, there's always a little girl looking up timidly and asking, "Is this okay, mommy?"
Even though I never called her "mommy." But that's besides the point. The point is that I'm still always looking around, trying to find some sort of approval for what I'm doing..
'Cuz I'm never really sure.. And not being sure can just really.. drive you crazy sometimes..
I think that's why people allow themselves to look to religion as a guide. Which is wonderful for them. But if I can't get myself to believe in the very basic foundation, for example, there is a god, then.. it just all crumbles and I can't be sincere about it.
I do sort of miss going to church, though. If nothing else, it was a form of meditation. I think I'm a big believer in structured mediation. And by "structured," I mean.. "not leaving it to when you feel like it." And that's how I go about things mainly: when I feel like it. It's a very poor system to go by, I wouldn't recommend it at all.
It's a good thing the New Year is coming soon. I've got lots of resolutions to make.
Resolutions to break by February?
Sheesh, I hope not.
I'm so bad at getting this right.
LJ