I feel absolutely awful. My whole entire body is just, like, throbbing with pain.
I've been trying to lose some wait lately. And I think I've been pretty successful, with the the help of cider vinegar tablets. And chromium picolate. And some Metabolife here and there. [I'm too afraid to take it regualarly because all the generic ones, as well as Xenodrine 'n stuff, would all make my heart race like crazy. To the point where I would feel it, like, skip beats 'n stuff. Scary stuff.]
But.. it's times like these when you just want to wallow in your pain [physical, this time] and stuff your face. I gave in to a small McFlurry last night. And I was able to stop myself there, thankfully, even though I did buy myself some brownies. [But they'll probably get eaten up by Hunbun.]
Or.. it's times like these when you really fucking want to reach for a cigarette. I've been cigarette sober since the last time I mentioned I wasn't going to smoke anymore [y'know, because I finally realized that it was bad for you, and I actually started to care about what I put in my body..] I think that was a month? Month and a half?
But.. goddamn, it'd be nice to have a cigarette right now.
I bet it'd be reeeaaallly nice..
*take a deep breath*
Mm, I sorta succeeded in taking a bath last night. We bought a plug for the drain. I still had a problem with the hot water, though. So I'd hafta fill it up a little, till the water got cold, then wait 10 minutes, fill it up a little again, and repeat. It was annoying as hell. I just wanted to get in there and relax.. and I actually had to wait for that.
I hate waiting.
No. Let's say I dislike it severely.
I'm trying to eliminate the word "hate" from my mental vocabulary. I use it way too much. Which leaves me with way too many feelings of anger and resentment.
Which I'm working on.
I actually found a book that cut through. Making Peace With Your Past by H. Norman Wright. Some Christian guy. Sometimes he does a little too much of the Christ talk, but I just skip over that. Everything else is really good. Really helpful. I've temporarily paused in the book right now, because there's a task I need to do.
Specifically, write out all my resentments from the past.
There's a lot.
Just one of the top of my head right now is that my mother wouldn't let me play soccer, or any sport for that matter, in middle school. I really wanted to play soccer, though. The P.E. coach even said I was good for it, and even vouched for me to talk to my mom. But my mother used a cheap shot: "She broke her arm. I don't want her playing sports."
But just thinking about this.. If she had just let me play soccer and be active when I wanted to, I probably wouldn't have been HALF as depressed as I grew to be, or HALF as out of shape as I am today.
It all starts early. And she wanted to start out early be keeping me from doing the things I wanted.
And if I had broke a bone along the way, shit.. what's the harm in that? Broken bones heal. Broken spirits, though.. those take a lot more time..
:/
The point is to LIVE.
p.s. I cut my hair over the weekend. It's really short. Not sure if it's me. But my dark ends are finally gone. And I like that it's really out of the way. Like, I keep making like I have to push it out of the way, but I don't need to. It's fun.
Oh, and p.p.s. The bath did little to soothe me. I guess the water wasn't hot enough. Or I need professional help in this, like a massage. It did, however, leave me with nicely moisturized skin.
Anyway. Off to getting ready for another eight hour day of torturing my body.
LJ