Eek, I let a lot out on that last one.. And the words I wrote stayed with me the whole day, like a cloud. I walked in the library feeling like I haven't been there in a week. It took a while to get oriented.
But.. I'm not bitter. I'm not trying to blame anyone. But I DO know there's a lot that needs to be dealt with. My relationship with Hunbun echoes the horrors of the past, the state of my apartment runs in exact parallel to the state of my inner being.
And I have to keep saying to myself, since no one else ever did: "Your feelings are valid, dammit."
This is how it goes [keep in mind messy apartment]: I never want to deal with anything, so I just toss it aside, hoping it will go away by itself, but it never does, it just piles up and everything gets buried, good and bad.. and when I try to look or go for one good thing, it all comes tumbling down.. Or, I have to dig and dig, resurfacing everything I didn't want to deal with until I can finally get to the core..
Or that coffee cup analogy I made [I thought that was pretty good] -- the emotional sludge at the bottom of the coffee cup of life that's just been sitting there and has never been cleaned out..
And so, just like my laundry, I am all over the place.. nothing can be found, I'm easily distracted, and I forget horribly.
Or something.
I told them at work today that I'm leaving soon. I still feel horrible. I'm so afraid to talk to my manager now. I don't want to bother her with anything else.
There was no, "School comes first." It was just, "Oh, that is bad news.."
Blech.
Blech, blech, blech.
LJ