Oh, this is so nice.. I just woke up not to long ago.. And I don't even need to start getting ready for work till 1pm. 'Cuz I go in at three now. I shaved off two working hours working hours but I actually gained three to myself since I don't have to take a mandatory unpaid lunch hour with a six hour day.
And now.. I shall respond to some wonderful comments left to me in my guestbook.
Firstly, "why didn't you just do sports when you were on your own?"
I laugh. If only it were that simple. As stated earlier, skill begins early.. By the time I was on my own, I still have no athletic skill, am completely out of shape, and lost all will and spirit to participate in sports.
And had I been in shape, been active and participated in things with the kind of enthusiasm I had when I was younger.. I would not have gotten as depressed as I got. Exercise and activity releases those endorphins that make you happy, and I didn't have anything like that. SO, which is better: breaking a few bones, or.. being so fucking depressed that I started cutting myself? Hrm? I'd much rather have the kind of scars to say, "Oh, I did that playing soccer when I was a kid" then "Oh.. I, uh, used to hack my arm with a razor 'cuz I.. had emotional issues.."
I appeal only to logic.
And I am not blaming other people. But I am responding to what is holding me back, and what I need to work out.
And of course life is NOW. That's why I went buckwild as soon as I was free. I wanted to try out EVERYTHING, no matter how raunch or crazy.. everything that I never had the freedom to do before. And now I'm left broke and married too soon for my own good.
Having said all that, I'd like to quote a few things from this book that was helping me, that I'm still in the middle of a pause, Making Peace with Your Past by H. Norman Wright..
"Whether we like it or not, we are simultaneously the child we once were, who lives in the emotional atmosphere of the past and often interferes in the present, and an adult who tries to forget the past and live wholly in the present."
"Many want just the opposite and look for a spouse who is very different. They are trying to escape from their original family and to build some type of new one. They believe they will be more comfortable with this new type of person. But often in their blindness they may overlook buried similarities that emerge later on. When they do discover thse in their mates, they may be thrown into a panic, for it appears their history is about to repeat itself. The greater the amount of unresolved issues from their past family situation, the greater the upset."
I've found out too late that my spouse, in private, has more qualities like my mother in the past than I would have liked. The excitableness, the yelling, the lashing out. One night when he was acting much too painfully like my past mother, and he said something to the exact words that my mother used to say to me, I ran out in a crying frenzy, so determined to leave him that night. I eventually came back [or he found me, I forget now] and I told him very passionately and determined that I do NOT in NO WAY want my second life to be a REPEAT of my fucking painful past.
And it's something that I still fear.
Some more:
"Why, you may ask, do people turn so much of their lives over to the influence of significant individuals from their past? Would you believe that we really have no choice in the matter? Why not? Because you began your interaction with your parents in a helpless state. You were dependent on them for your very existence; you learned this very soon. You also learned that there were certain ways you had to respond to maintain a state of well-being with them."
For example, for me, I learned to stay out of my mothers' hair, and I did my best to be good out of fucking fear for the next time she would run her outburst on me.
Something I want to clarify, also, is that I am trying to make a distinction by saying "past mother." Of course, she's not like this anymore. And I don't live with her. And I always try to keep things as pleasant as possible.
But I still remember the past and it's still like a large bruise that won't go away. It still hurts to touch. It's still emotional sludge at the bottom of the mug of the coffee cup of life that's just been sitting there and was never cleaned out.
More quote exploring:
"Harboring unresolved resentments is another indication of the child within you. In your past there were significant individuals or groups whom you feel ignored you, belittled, abandoned, or in some way attacked you. Keeping them always in mind restricts you and breeds resentment. But you may have buried some of the memories in your subconscious mind. Then one day you discover that one of them comes out unexpectedly, hwne you encounter a person or situation that resembles the past experience.
Stuffing hurt feelings and unresolved conflicts into the subconscious is common, but it keeps them alive."
And he listed some symptoms of inner resentments lingering:
1. You feel like strking back or telling off those in authority.
2. You explode for no apparent reason. [I do this to Hunbun all the time]
3. You engage in a power struggle with your spouse and view him as your enemy. [so fucking true that I don't even want to admit it to myself]
and to skip..
10. You feel restricted in the expression of emotions toward others, even those with whom you have a "close" relationship. [And I honestly don't feel like I meet the definition requirements of "close" with a single soul in this world]
11. You feel your family never really cared for you or that you were mistreated in some way by them.
And here's the kicker. Here's the part that gave me a real "oh shit" moment:
"What you resist persists
If you are unwilling to let loose of the past, especially resentment, get set for a repeat performance in some other way. Your emotional upset will reappear in some other form. For example, if the person you resent is a parent, you might find:
1. The marriage partner you choose for some strange reason begins to resemble the parent you resent.
2. you begin, in time, to act like the parent you never wanted to be like. You behave like that parent in time and begin to treat others in a similar manner as your parent treated you."
That was the part, the "oh shit" moment, that made me realize.. I still have a lot to work out.
All this time, I had thought that I was resenting Hunbun, when really.. maybe he's not the one that I'm harboring resentment for at all.. But it's getting transferred on to him.. And it's really not fair to him.
And also, I have seen myself act like my past mother when dealing with Hunbun's own outbursts or otherwise shortcomings. And I even started to blame him, that because he's so excitable, that's he's brought out a part of me that I absolutely fucking NEVER wanted to come out.
So, you see.. this is a highly, highly delicate issue. Covered by layers and layers and layers of pain and baggage.
Like a laundry pile that's been building up for 21 years, and all you want to do is find your favorite pair of jeans.
And, in its delicacy.. it's time to deal with things. Time to come out and come clean. I am so not interested in playing games anymore.
As a teenager, I dreamed every day of running away and telling my mother off. Now.. I just dream of [calmly] working things out, apologies, acceptance, and understanding..
In therapy, it came out that my mother probably treated me the way she did because her husband left her with the kids and she started resenting me. But I was helpless and dependent then.
I don't want to hurt anyone. But I don't want games and sneak-arounds. I just want things to be right. For the first time in a lifetime.
That's all..
You may be through with the past
But the past may not be through with you..
LJ