Ah, so I never cleaned..
Today [er, yesterday] was spent idling online, then crying, drinking, and going back to idling some more.
Unfortunately, I will not go into the cause of my anguish. Some things I don't want to admit to. And some things..
Oh, crap it. I learned, by accident.. *sigh*.. that the ex hooked up with his current only four days after breaking up with me.
Which says a lot. Namely, that he had already found someone else in my absence, and I really didn't have a chance no matter what.
I didn't want to let on that I could still be crushed. That the pain is still there.
However, I've come to terms with this by the end of the day. He's human. And he's perfectly entitled to change.. and that includes changing his sentiment toward me, no matter what kind of promises were made in the past. It's not my fault [not my fault that he wasn't able to express things about me that bothered him, not my fault that he didn't give me a chance]. And there was nothing I could do.
At least as far as I know.
But we won't worry about that.
Besides, had he not broken up with me.. good god, I would not have gone through the kind of monumental change that I have the past two years. Change that I affectionately embrace now as far as awareness and who I am. And I never would have been able to do it on my own.
I was too attached to him. Too easily influenced.
But.. I just wish now that he didn't have to estrange himself so much..
Why does.. declaring your alliance with one person... mean that you can't keep a meaningful friendship with the other? I know that we'll "talk" occasionally, but it's only online and it's never more than the material side of life. Never getting involved.
*shrug*
I only meant the best.
Even if I didn't always know better.
LJ