Part of me still wants to make her pay. For what she did to me. For fucking me up. For shattering my self-esteem. For making me never feel good enough. For the mind games and guilt trips. For never being genuinely warm, supportive, encouraging, non-accusing or open. For not being treated equally. For the taunting. Believe me, it was bad enough that my grandmother would often have to step in and say, "Rozy, stop it."
My grandmother also being ridiculously strict, but never cruel.
I'll admit it. I still struggle with it.
I want someone to pay. How fair is it that I bear the brunt of mistreatment all to myself, and the source of it completely gets away with it? Never giving it a second thought. Never realizing just how deep it cut.
But what's the point? We might as well be of two different species, from two different worlds. Our focus and world views are completely different. We'll never understand. And we'll just keep on pretending..
But.. I'm still reading my self-help books. Another really good one that I really got into is You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay. It's such a pretty book, kinda reminded me of the Flavia stuff, and the words are so, well, healing. She has a way of putting words that.. just has this effect of smoothing over all my anxieties, fears, frustrations, etc.
And she had a point and a focus that I thought was really.. delightful. She says, "I believe that we choose our parents..
Each one of us decides to incarnate upon this planet at a particular point in time and space. We have chosen to come here to learn a particular lesson that will advance us upon our spiritual, evolutionary pathway. We choose our sex, our color, our country, and then we look around for the particular set of parents who will mirror the pattern we are bringing in to work on in this lifetime. Then, when we grow up, we usually point our fingers accusingly at our parents and whimper, "You did it to me." But really, we chose them because they were perfect for what we wanted to work on overcoming."
Now.. doesn't that just make your problems seem all the more worthwhile? And all the more conquerable. The idea that we chose this particular task.. something that we wanted to work through and overcome because it would teach us so much about LIFE. I chose a damn big task before me, and.. I really think I'm up for it. I'm learning. And there's not much better that you can do with your time.
But.. that angle, that idea.. it just really helps to lighten the load.
I said "hi" to myself in the mirror last night. I told my Self, "I love and accept you exactly as you are." It made me smile. Giggle, even. Sweetly and shyly, like a little child. I told myself we're in this together. My Self must have been really happy to be finally acknowledged by me. It's almost exactly like a relationship between two people. It's crazy, but it's something that I really do need to work on. And, having gone through that, I woke up this morning in much better spirits. I have to maintain this reassuring inner dialogue with myself, though. With my addiction to diaryland, I often zone out and think in terms of what I'm going to write down. I still have trouble with that. But my Self has been stopping me by asking, "Danielle, silly, who are you talking to?" Thinking in terms of diaryland entries has helped me to avoid my inner Self even more, believe it or not. Because I'm not maintaining a dialogue, and thus I've been ignoring her, my inner self.
I should give a name for my inner self to make this less confusing. She's a sweetie, though. You'd like her. And maybe she's the one that started out this diary.. And I kinda took over.
Or something.
Anyway.. you doing okay, Danielle?
Yeahh..
You have pretty eyes.
Thank you. *gushes*
Anyway, feel free to chime in on anything whenever you want. We can make diaryland ours. I don't have to be the one talking all the time.
Okay.. But why is diaryland so important to you..?
I dunno, Danielle. I think.. it's because it's the only creative release I have right now..
You should draw again..
I should, you're right. That was nice, too. Maybe I will. :)
I hope so..
Anyway, we'll end this here, okay?
Yeah, okay. Sounds good.
:p
LJ