I think I have this fear of not finishing things once I start. Like school, for instance. I'm deathly afraid of not finishing school.. It's been one obstacle after another. I'm already behind because I missed a semester. I keep getting side-tracked, or distracted. I can't keep my focus or get my priorities straight. It's gotten to the point where.. crap, I'll push aside or ignore anyone who gets in my way. To the point that I'm capable of pushing aside, anyway..
The husband wants to get married housing for next year again. I just KNOW this is a HORRIBLE idea.. I don't get along with people I have to live with. Why don't you all know this by now??? They start to get on my nerves, really annoying, and I see them as an invasion of my personal space and privacy. Every little thing will start to bother me, and I will start to resent them.. It's a horrible idea, living with someone..
:/
Maybe if I had my own room, at least.. He wants to try to get a two-bedroom on campus. Even though it would be fucking expensive. But I want to live on campus, dammit. But other things would still bother me. Like crumbs, or trash, or your dishes in the sink. It's bad enough that mine have to be there, but yours, too? But the worst, living with a guy, are the pee stains under the toilet seat, or leaving the seat up. Either they can't aim right, or it splashes, I don't know.. But I don't see the pee stains developing when I'm by myself.. *sigh*
Am I just, like, a freak of nature..? Everyone else desires company and social activity. 'Can't be alone.. Me, I can't wait to be alone and left to myself.. People are great, but.. the whole being social thing just puts too much fucking strain on me..
But.. I'm still so afraid of not finishing what I started. Perhaps that's another reason why I want to work things out with the husband, among many others.. But it clashes with the idea that I started something with someone else..
And I'm just. Left. In this state. Of.. indecision? No.. I made a decision.. I think.. But, I'm, like.. emotionally paralyzed.. Not sure what to put my heart in..
Detached. That's what I am.
*shrug*
But I just want to graduate, that's all.. And, somehow, eventually, I want really pretty furniture. 'Can't think of much more that I want out of life..
Maybe I want a heart again, too.
Finishing what I started.. I have so many unresolved issues. Some people seem to have themselves so together. And I wonder.. how do they resolve their issues..? How is anything ever resolved, really, when it comes to emotions? It's not like we can put it in official writing and from this date forward, it's resolved.. We have to make a decision, I guess. But it's so easy to change your mind. So a commitment is also needed..
Commitment, blech. That word alone gets me all tied up in knots. And filled with anxiety. I like to move around. I don't like to stay in one place for too long.. I want to be a nomad.
Finishing what I started.. Maybe that's why I eat so fast. I see the food, and I want to gobble it all up clean before, well.. I decide that I can't finish it. But you can always save it and work on it later. I never seem to realize that. I always want to try to finish what I start in one sitting. And then I get all gassy and bloated and uncomfortable. I need to learn to pace myself.
It's just those fears, though.. of changing my mind. Tomorrow I'll wake up and be a completely different person. Being in a situation too long, eventually you won't be able to remember how you fell into it in the first place and what the hell you're still doing there. At least, for me, anyway.. And everyone else will be like, "what the hell happened..? yesterday, you were like this.."
And you'll shrug and say, "I dunno..
I guess it's called change."
LJ