Mmm.. So there's this bullshit class I'm taking, right? It's called Organization and Management. Very participation/presentation-oriented. And pointless. And the professor wants us to do his research work for him. He has this research going on studying the relationships between personality and career choice. Interesting topic. But.. Not really staying in line with the class material. It would be more psychology.. and this is supposed to be a business class.
So we have to do a term paper. Even worse, a group term paper that we must present. We must find research on this topic of why people with certain personality traits tend to go for a certain type of career. So.. of course, I got side-tracked, reading all this personality stuff. Found a book called The Personality Self-Portrait. There was a quiz, and I took it. I didn't have to, though, because I already knew what I would wind up getting: Solitary Style - "The Loner".
*shrug*
No surpise.
Her are some notes:
They do not experience emotions as intensely as do most others on this planet. They are not feelers, not emoters. Emotionally, they are imperturbable. Strongly Solitary individuals have little emotional need of intimacy. Moderately Solitary people, though, may feel frustrated by their inability to connect with anyone on a deep feeling level.
But Solitary people are not necessarily unhappy - as long as others do not demand more of them than they can give. People are always pushing Solitary types to reveal themselves and express their feelings, trying to get a rise out of them, as if they are keeping them hidden and not sharing what is actually there. But for many Solitary people who have no compensating emotional styles [[I do, though, I also have Sensitive Style]], the repertoire of emotions may truly be small. They do not speak the language of emotions - which is hard for many of us [[aka, you all]] to comprehend.
Solitary individuals are, in a word, dispassionate. In some ways they are richer for it. They may not be feelers, but they are doers and watchers. Free of the passionate need for others that often clouds our minds, they can stand back and watch the curious things people do. Similarly free of sentimental reverie, they can observe the world around them in strkingly clear focus. Gifted Solitary individuals can be highly creative, if reclusive, poets, scientists, and intellectuals.
Okay.. well.. I used to think of myself as a person with a lot of passion. And I still do, to a point. But my recent activities and experiences has shown me just how unbelievably dispassionate and detached I can be. I don't think I'm pure Solitary Type, but.. there is a lot of that in me.
One thing that both parties of my situation had trouble comprehending was my ability to completely change my mind almost literally overnight. Situation being, suddenly I wanted to leave the boyfriend and work out things with my husband -- something that I swore up and down that I would never consider doing. But low and behold, here I am.. Does that mean it was in the back of my mind all this time..? Not necessarily.. But the boyfriend had been grinding into me a number of things, mainly pointing out all the ways that I "showed" that I didn't really love him that much.. Which, there's more about that in the book that I'm going to quote. But.. so I got to thinking about how he's probably right.. That I guess I don't really have the capacity to really love someone. Even though I once did before, but.. I dunno..
But I watch these two with their emotions. I just sit back and watch. Half the time, I don't understand it. The torture and the hurt they allow themselves to feel.. When I told the boyfriend that I wanted him to leave, I was watching my reaction more than him. On the one hand, I felt absolutely awful about invoking such pain. And I kinda felt like a little kid who got caught doing something really, really bad and was in big, big trouble.. that kind of nervousness, anyway. Where.. anything could happen out of this. You could be punished really bad, or.. You could be let off really light.
But my reaction.. I kept calm. I avoided eye contact. I did not cry. He started noticing this, and started commenting, almost with a bitter tone, I felt, about how.. unemotional I was. Cold and distant. There's a word I'm looking for.. 'Can't quite remember.. But anyway, when he started to turn to me on my state of being, I really had to fight to hold back a smile. And he saw it, too, and it didn't help things much. I almost let out a laugh, even, I think.. The whole situation just.. wasn't real to me. Like I was in a movie.. and I'm suddenly supposed to play this part and act all serious.. Even though it was me causing all the events to unfold..
I dunno..
On relationships:
Without other-directed personality styles to offset the Solitary tendency, the individual will be more or less indifferent to the emotional ties that bind others together. Extremely Solitary tyeps will not be likely to pair up or involve themselves intensely with others, even friends. While they may have a rather detached interest in people, they will not naturally be responsive to many of them or wish to dram them intimately close.
It's not that Solitary people don't like people. They are not hostile or angry at anyone. They may enjoy the company of others in many of their activities. Some - those with a mixed personality pattern - may even marry. But in their relationships they need much time to themselves and there will always be a wall of greater or lesser thickness between them.
[Stress] Even moderately Solitary people may not intuitively comprehend others' feelings or respond to their emotional cues. "You don't love me!" is a common lament of partners of Solitary people. This may be true as defined in the emotional language that most people speak. The more the partner pushes for emotional reactions and a depth of intimate feeling, the greater will be the stress on the Solitary partner. To cope, the Solitary person will retreat.
Tips on Dealing with the Solitary Person in your Life
1. Let this person be. The most common mistake people make in dealing with Solitary types is trying to push them to be like everybody else. But Solitary individuals are who they are. They may not mix much in the Real World or react deeply to you, but they are competent and responsible, and their inner worlds can be very interesting.
2. Do not assume that the Solitary person is uncomfortable or unhappy because he or she is alone. For many Solitary individuals, a life filled with people is hell. Indeed, they may pity you for your social and emotional needs.
3. Do not assume that the Solitary person in your life is uncomfortable with you because he or she prefers to spend much time outside your presence or just sitting quietly instead of interacting with you. This person will be quite comfortable with you if you don't try to engage him or her, insist on filling up the silence with chatter, or try to smother the Solitary person with togetherness.
[Case in point. At a dinner with the boyfriend, he was continually trying to get me to talk, asking me questions I wasn't interested in or trying to get me to ask questions. I just watched him struggle with himself over this and get upset. Until finally, I had to tell him to please stop, I felt like I was being attacked..]
4. Look for signs of caring that are different from the standard I-want-you, I-need-you, I-love-you's. The fact that this person is in your life at all says a lot about his or her attachment to you, considering that Solitary individuals can do so well without others.
[Yes, and thankyouverymuch. :p]
5. Ensure this person plenty of time to be alone. Anyone with even a small amount of Solitary style requires time to themself to feel sane, well adjusted, and productive.
[Halle-fucking-luiah]
So there you have it [as the countown shows on VH1 or MTV would say]. I'm not pure Solitary, but I'm pretty fucking high up there. I used to torture myself with emotions once, but.. eh, I got over it. I think I remember once, someone once critisizing me by saying something to the effect of.. I don't have to be such an individual all the time.. so different from everyone else, in other words. And, all my life, I would keep trying and trying to be like everyone else, but.. shit, maybe I was just avoiding my true nature in all of that..
So maybe it's to the point where I just gotta say to myself.. Fuck worrying about it all. You're supposed to be this, supposed to be that. Gotta be social and interact, or you're weird. Or you won't have a "fulfilling life." 'Can't be alone, it's not normal.. *shrug* Perhaps instead of all that I should just breathe a sigh of relief and say to myself, "Y'know what, Danielle? You're fucking awesome. There's no one I'd rather hang out with.."
Ahh.. The start of a beautiful relationship..
I feel like some tuna.
LJ