Sometimes I suspect that we build our traps ourselves, then we back into them, pretending amazement the while.
-Dream, in SANDMAN #74, "The Exile"
Well.. I got the married housing. Only, I didn't get the one I wanted. I wanted south campus. South campus looked nice and roomy, had two beds, and even had a living room along with the kitchen. But they were out of that type of unit down south. So.. I ended up siging the housing agreement for north campus, where I'm at now. Same type of unit. Very small for two people. Only one twin bed. *shrug* I thought I'd give it a try this time. But the husband is already talking his doom and gloom about how the same thing will happen as this time.
Doom and gloom will get you nowhere. If anything, you create your own self-fulfilling prophecy. When will these people learn to shut up? Brainwaves, people. Learn to direct your brainwaves to something positive. I believe brainwaves have a lot of power in affecting outcomes..
Doom and gloom gets you nowhere. Guilt trips only piss people off. That is, as long as they don't fall for it.
I tried my best.
While talking with the lady in charge of housing, she asked me where's my husband been, since she never sees him. I gave a bland, "He works up north and usually stays with his parents up there." Then there was that whole mix up between up north out of the state, when I really meant up north 45 minutes. "You must miss him a lot," she says. Then comments about being so young were brought about and how she got married at 19.. and other chitchat..
I just nodded.. smiled.. 'Felt a little quilty about not being truly honest, so I only offered this much: "Well, it's been pretty rocky, but.." And the implied statement that we work it out. Which.. if that wasn't the understatement of the year. But I'm never comfortable offering more than is asked. And not even that much was asked. People just always assume that if you're married, you're happy. But I felt bad letting on the impression that everything works out fine and dandy when, not too long ago, I was walking around with a boyfriend..
Once the encounter was over, I was thinking to myself that maybe I should have said something, to answer her question, along the lines of, "Well.. we've been separated the last few months, and I've just recently decided to work things out.." Perhaps that would have given a clearer idea of what they were seeing when I was walking around with a boyfriend. And not the idea that I just sleep around and cheat.
Because I've noticed.. When people saw the boyfriend and me together, they would often whisper to each other, or looks would be given, as if there's something to gossip about. I know it wasn't my imagination because he said he saw it, too. My imagination would offer to me, though, that they're saying to one another, "There's the slut who's cheating on her husband.." But.. was it because they knew I was married and were wondering what the hell was going on..? Or.. was it because he was black and I was white..?
An interracial couple. That was a new challenge for me. Personally, I never saw the problem. When I look at a person, black, white, whatever.. All I see is another human being. Not much more mystery to it. In fact, it's a lot of fun to learn about the differences between people. But, apparently, other people think differently.. When I told one of my old [white] "friends" about me seeing a black person, the first thing they IMed was "jungle fever." And the boyfriend had to explain the concept to me..
A person is a person. That's all I knew. That's all I saw.
But.. I dunno.. Why worry about appearances..? Let them think what they want to think. I can't make up their minds for them. It's not my problem. And if they have a problem, they can always ask.
Ah, but the hard part is getting an honest answer out of me.
That's why I just need someone to say, "Alright, cut the crap. People are talking about you. What's the real deal?"
As if they cared.
LJ