I just had a dream that I would've put in my dream journal, except for that I don't remember many details. All I remember, it was a round-off between "the high school sweetheart" and.. "the last boyfriend." And the boyfriend won because he was the most dependable.
I mean, really, the bastard [hs sweetheart] couldn't even make a little 4-hour trip to the land he stranded me in to celebrate my birthday with me. Perhaps if he could have done that, none of the chain of events that followed would have ever happened. Nothing screams "I don't care" to your 3-yr girlfriend like leaving her all alone for her birthday. And then STILL not coming to visit a month later.. I came down to Miami for HIM, and he just left me all alone. Was it THAT fucking hard to make a drive..?
No. I just wasn't important enough.
Meanwhile, the last boyfriend, being without a car, makes a run for the train at the drop of a pin to see me.. Heh.. When I was sick, he did everything in his power to take care of me. When I needed something, he did everything in his power to help me, including asking random people he would run into if they could help. The things he would do for me.. If I think about it, it would make me melt.. and completely weak..
*sigh*
It's awful the way dreams can conjure up all these emotions, y'know?
And it's still hard resigning myself to the fact that the person I cared for and and admired more than anyone else in the world.. Teacher, mentor, best friend and lover.. could be so.. disappointing. It leaves you wanting for more, the way he just dropped our 3-yr relationship, and always wondering what could have been. Not working things out, just dropping it. I'm tempted to say "3 years wasted.." Because, even though I've learned so much, I'm still very much scarred.
It's still hard to put myself in such a vulnerable position again. I'm deathly afraid of that utter feeling of abandonment. I was able to dip myself in the waters.. and let myself really love someone with the last boyfriend. And it was so incredible. More incredible than anything I've ever felt before. I told him I loved him, and I spoke it with my soul. And each time I said those words, I would feel lighter.. and lighter.. I was dizzy and weak with his touch. Absolutely intoxicated.
But then I got scared, I guess.. I keep getting scared. I have to keep my men at bay.. let them torture themselves over me, while I remain emotionless..
Because I'm too scared.
It's not right. I want to conquer this.
LJ