Management Accounting seriously makes me want to cry. I didn't think anything could possibly be worse than Economics, but.. I now sit through a worse kind of pain. I think I figured out I'm so terribly allergic to this subject because it is, in essence, teaching me "planning." Planning is something I always try my best to avoid. Maybe fear. Maybe laziness. Probabably both. But seriously, after 3 hours of that stuff, I have to fight back tears as I'm walking out of class.
But that was today.. Now let's rewind.
This weekend was spent at the parents' again. I seem to be doing this every other weekend now. Really, any excuse to get away from this place works for me.
But.. the "main event" for the weekend was my step-grandparents' surprise 50th wedding anniversary party. Which I was looking forward to. And in good spirits. Until about 15 minutes after I got there.
We were sitting in our corner table, me, my husband, my family and I.. And a step-uncle walks up to say hi and says to me, "Where's the black guy?"
I was just shocked, mouth wide open, and I gave a nervous chummy laugh. "Where's the black guy?" What was THAT supposed to mean? And right in front of my husband..
This person has never even met him. Only his parents had. And I've certainly never talked about him.
But, shit.. That shifted my perception for the whole night. And it left me feeling paranoid, too afraid to speak or do anything the rest of the night..
Word of mouth. People talk. And I'm sure they have lots to say about me. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the butt of a few jokes. But no one ever says anything TO me..
*sigh* I've been feeling very scared, lately. Just.. very nervous and very small. My skin tingles [more in a prickly way than a good way] and I feel cold and hot at the same time.. I want to cry. I want to confide in someone. I want to be sure. About anything. At least one thing that I could be sure about.. That would be nice. But I don't feel sure about a single goddamn thing. Everything is just.. very scary to me.
I saw, and talked with, a good friend of mine this weekend. 'Haven't seen her in ages. First time it was just me and her, too. No husbands or boyfriends tagging along. It felt really good. I wanted more to come of it. Meaning.. I wanted to talk about some pertinent things in my life, but.. I just couldn't bring myself to it. Still, it was refreshing to be in another person's company. Even more so, to be in a girl's company. That's an extremely rare occurence for me.
I dunno.. Things just feel really tight. I'm clenching myself, holding on real tight.. trying to protect myself, afraid of everything else.. I need to let go and relax somehow..
LJ