There is so much anger and resentment and hate pent up inside.. I can barely think anymore. Hell, I probably lost my ability to think a long fucking time ago. But every day.. it becomes more and more of a struggle. And I keep going around in circles.. a never-ending vicious cyle.
Have I finally thunk myself to the point where I just don't know anything about anything?
I dunno.. But a lot has been going on inside. For one, I've been corresponding extensively via email with a certain reader of mine. And he seems to be hell bent on analyzing my situation and pushing me towards going back to the boyfriend I left. For a while, I humored the idea. And I poured out all my concerns and worries.. As much as I could anyway.
Then the ex-boyfriend makes contact with this same "gay angel", shall we call him. Mr.GayAngel is more convinced than ever that this is really a very special person, and the discussion escalates. Until he decides to quote things from the past, from the ex's diary.
First, too much sugar.. And then y'throw in some bitterness.. 'Bound to leave a stomach feeling really sick.
So I had enough. Really. Not to mention, I have other things to deal with. It's stupid, and the whole situation has been leaving me with this twisting, turning, churning feeling and radiating heat in my chest. I can feel it. It's awful. I feel like I'm going to choke any minute now.
Make it stop, make it stop...
I have to deal with Mr.A. I don't want to live with him in the fall. It would drive me even more crazy than I'm going now. I'm just barely keeping it together until I can get that breath of fresh air to be on my own again.. It's so hard for me to be living with anyone. Especially someone who begs so much of my attention. To live in peace, I'd need a special room all for myself, with a computer, a desk, and a couch. And I'd go in there and lock myself in for hours, and leave a very menacing sign on the door for intruders, warning against the dangers of bothering me as long as I'm in that room.
Heh.
I liked it when Mr.A was a busy-body. A life FULL of things to do and people to do them with. So many projects going on in his life. A tv show to produce. A web portal to manage. Parties to attend. Now he just sits around at home, mostly in front of the computer. And I can't stand the way he sits in the chair. It's comparable to the way Homer Simpson sits on the couch. Slouched. Leaning back. A round belly sticking out. I couldn't care less if you were to pick your nose and your toenails and then eat the wonderful by-products left on your finger created by your body.. Just don't sit like that!
I don't ask for much, really. Just three things:
1.Don't throw items on the floor.
2.Don't slouch in your seat, or otherwise show off your belly, poor posture, and lack of productivity.
3. Don't bother me.
If I could find someone who could live by those rules, I'd be all set.
LJ