While on my mini vacation, I stumbled upon this book, The Secret Language of Destiny. Already, the other book in this series, The Secret Language of Relationships, had described me better and more thoroughly than ANY other astrology reading I've bothered to look at, so I was curious what this other book had to say about my Destiny..
And it was interesting.. And, again.. so true. My destiny, supposedly, is to find the balance between reason/logic and emotion/intuition. And, well.. that's exactly what the better part of my life struggle has been. And I fluctuate so drastically between the two. One week I am completely and totally in love.. the next, I see a more beneficial route to take in my life and am able to completely shake out of "in love" mode. Or.. I don't know what it is.. perhaps I'm in love with being stoic and cold. Perhaps I feel superior that way, somehow. More "in control." No one can hurt me with my impenetrable shield up.
And two people in my life are still feeling tortured, or at the very least, ill at ease over me. Because I can't decide whether to give in to emotion.. or to play out a life, a safe life, of reason and logic. More importantly, I can't find the balance.
I've told Mr.A this evening.. I'm not "in love" with him or anything like that, but the appeal of this setup is that "it works." We've become a team, financially and socially.
But sooner or later, I am going to have to be confronted with the question of "Am I satisfied with that?"
I could be, really. Especially when you think of all the hazards throwing yourself to the mercy of love can bring.
But what about the bliss I would be closing myself up to?
Which is more important? Saving yourself, or surrendering yourself?
Perhaps I can be satisfied with the romance of simply loving myself..
Perhaps I will never be satisfied with ANY route I go, and that's why I need to remain logically driven..
A quiz I took this evening gave me this result: "Your romance is more of a love that needs to bloomwithin, just like Hedwig of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. The film features an East German transsexual who is seeking her "other half" after constant betrayal. You must love yourself before you can need another. You're starting to realize this, along with the fact that you don't need a significant other to be a complete person. Your "other half" has been inside you all along."
All I could think was, "How fitting.." And, I must go see this movie. A movie that deals with my life search.. I know I need to really connect with myself. I know that I don't require another person to feel complete. Hell, my first love taught me this as a principle, and it's been my guide ever since. And, shit, it's even the theme I have going for this diary.. and that massive attack song.. "The one you need is you.."
To you
So no longer pretend
That you can't feel it near
That tickle in your head
That tingle in your ear
Oh ask it anything
It loves you dear
It's your most precious king
If only you can hear
And when you do
You'll find the one you need is you
You'll find you love you
That song inspires me. Words like that keep me going. So many people go through life hating themselves, ignoring themselves. Never questioning.. Looking for other people to feel complete. Or trying to feel whole through any number of vices. I was like that, through varying degrees.. When really.. all you need is you. All you need is to look inside, open up, let go of that self-hatred, doubt and fear.. And just listen to that inner voice calling you..
I dunno.. it's an on-going process for me.
Each person has a whole world within themself. And if you don't look inside too carefully, you might miss out. Because only you can fully explore your own universe.
Direct your eye right inward, and you'll find a thousand regions in your mind yet undiscovered. Travel them and be expert in home-cosmography. -Henry David Thoreau
**
As an aside, there was a quote that the Destiny book said was true of me, and I must agree it's true. It goes like this: "I love humanity; it's just people I can't stand."
LJ