There are nights when I realize the horror of what I've done to my life...
How I washed everything away with a simple kiss and a simple touch..
Or was it just me...?
In a relationship, you need to relate. I seem to be unfit for that task. I think back to how I was brought up... isolated in fear... pure fucking fear... Unwanted and resented, but cleverly trained and placed in fear. My childhood thoughts of my mother and my grandmother are like thorns. I didn't love them. I was afraid of them. And, being forced and held back into a sheltered life, I never knew any other way..
And thinking back to my childhood.. and what I am today... on nights like these.. my task of relating seems so utterly and frightfully hopeless.
I don't know how to shake off my fear and my anger and my resentment that I drudge around with me every single day, everywhere I go. It keeps me in check. It keeps me from ever doing something fee. And it also keeps me stupid and blind.
I don't want to face it... I don't want to face it..
But I have to.
Fear is an ugly, ugly thing. And it does eat away at the soul. I don't know what's left of mine. I'm too afraid to look...
I'm afraid of being vulnerable. But in holding that fear, I end up making myself more vulnerable than ever.
I keep quiet with my fear, and I push on with a stone-cold, disinterested face. But when they find me out, I will be shaking and sweating and pissing myself..
I make myself stupid and selfish and vulnerable... and I hate myself for it.
Nights like these.. I can't see an end to the struggle. And I fear dying without ever having resolved a single goddamn thing in my life.
LJ