Man.. A friend of mine invited me to a show in Orlando this weekend.. Her boyfriend's band..
And I'm just thinking to myself.. All my old friends are all immersed into the music scene. Going to shows regularly and all that.. Even my brother.. Playing bass for band after band..
I used to love music. I barely notice it anymore.
I would love to be going to clubs and shows, supporting local bands and all that.. But here I am instead, all alone, pissing in my pants, and stressing and pulling my hair out over what the fuck I'm going to eat today, and how I'm going to survive these fucking classes without textbooks, and how I'm going to take my fucking 8-hour driving course in time, and when the FUCK am I going to fully WAKE UP!
And etcetera...
My classes are so fucking dead this semester. I'm going for MIS. I didn't take a single class out of my major this semester. And that's a big fucking mistake. I haven't gotten mentally involved with a single one of my classes yet. Halfway into junior year.. and I'm starting to doubt this route I've taken..
If only money weren't the problem.
If money was no object, I'd be doing this completely different. I'm a slave to fucking money.
Business? Fuck business. If I even survive this degree, I don't know how I'd survive the moan and droan of 9 to 5 again. It fucking kills you and eats up your life. I fucking, fucking hate it.
No.. If I didn't have to worry about money.. I'd be doing something else entirely. I might be studying art. Interior design. Graphic design. Maybe even film. Or anthropology.
Huh? Anthropology?
Fuck yeah. I love that shit. I daydream sometimes about being an anthropologist and doing field research with some native tribe off in some foreign exotic land...
Or stuff like the arts might be good for me.. Because I get really fucking bored of doing the same shit over and over. At least, with the arts.. You work on a project, and it's done after awhile, and you move on to something else. In the meantime, you can sit back and relish in something concrete that you've contributed into the entertainment/art world. Something meaningful, perhaps. Instead of the same old moan and droan tearing away and eating up your life forces..
I fucking hate this, man. I can't fucking stand this. NOTHING in my life is anywhere NEAR what I'd like it to be.
Fucking christ...
I'm selling my soul like an idiot in the hopes of one day having a place to fall and be "comfortable."
I want to be going for something that I can talk with excitement about. Like the way I can get excited about how I would decorate a house one day.. Even though my knowledge of interior design is based mostly on the show Trading Spaces, at least it's a start. It's something that I could really immerse myself into. Become really involved and interested.
I'm just trailing on the skirts of this MIS thing right now. I really don't want to do this. I'm really fearing that I may give up this semester. But I can't.. so close to the end.. I want to at least be able to say that yeah, I have a degree, in the end..
If I could close my eyes and slide by for a little longer...
Fucking, fucking christ, man...
Everything's pretend. I can't even find my heart strings anymore.
...
I attempted to try to do the counseling thing on campus the other day. But, by the time I got off work, they were closed. I still want to do this. It's going to be an effort, though. With my fucking busy, busy, no-time-for-breathing schedule.
I decided I'm going to have to attempt it early in the morning. Even though I fucking hate getting up early in the morning.. But it's the only time my "schedule" would fit with theirs.
*sigh*
I'm hoping at least for some clear focus of whether I should stick this thing out.
I feel like I'm fucking choking, man..
No room to breathe.
LJ