hey Jupiter
nothings been the same, so are you gay, are you blue
thought we both could use a friend to run to
and I thought I wouldn't have to keep with you
hiding..
It feels lonely here. Quiet. No one calls on the phone. No one IMs me. No emails..
The husband is away for a night every so often.. And I actually feel lonely.. despondent.. lethargic.. As much as I usually can't stand having him around..
He has such a beautiful, hopeful smile sometimes. And he perseveres somehow. But there are days when he crumbles and he tells me how I made it so much worse by giving it another chance. But I have no patience for his self-pity.
It's like being without my left arm, almost, when he's not here. And I feel half lost. No one to cook for me.. No one to pester me with things I can't concentrate on..
I still like who he was when I met him. A degree in film and art history. He's directed a number of music videos. Wrote for mtv's "Downtown." Trying to get his show on HBO, which he already filmed with people like Ethan Embry.. and some girl.. in it. Knew people like Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey MacGuire, and Harmony Korine. And there's more that he's done.. and planned to do.. The scripts he had written, when he told me about them.. I was in awe..
But I haven't seen anything of his come to life. I hear about what he's done, but I haven't seen it. And he's not doing anything now..
Mostly, I think I just need someone inspiring. And I definitely cannot be with someone who I feel like I could surpass in anything. Writing skills are at about the top of my list. Hence me breaking up with the Haitian boy. Yes, this was one of the reasons: He wasn't smart enough. Reading one of his papers for his class made me absolutely cringe. 'Sounded like it was written by someone with no brain. Every single sentence.. bad grammar, bad spelling, awkward wording. I know I'm not perfect, but.. sheesh. And then speaking, too. There was one time on the phone where he had to repeat something at least 10 times, and it was like he was speaking another language. I asked him, "are you speaking double negatives?" He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Finally, I had to translate it for him in discernible English. I wish I could remember the phrase now.. It was, like, quadruple negatives and other kinds of torture mixed in there.. Ugh.. And then he makes it worse by going on and on about how wonderful it is to be an idiot.
I'm not kidding. The things I have to sit through sometimes..
But the husband guy.. while his temper may be fiesty.. He's probably the smartest person I'll ever meet. If I ever lost him as a friend or contact, I'd be losing a HUGE resource of knowledge.. things from how to get by in life - what to do - to being instantly provided with the answer to almost any of my random musings..
And we have so many interests in common. We think so much alike in our standpoints on things. Some may consider such a quality between two people boring.. especially someone like my highschool boyfriend, who took more delight in arguing a point.. But it's nice to agree.. You'll spell out why you feel this way, and the other person agrees and adds to it.. And there's a feeling of bonding and elation.
Of course, with no one really challenging an idea, such may be the case for how fools are born..
I'm thinking of the other day.. I don't know how we got into this discussion, but I started venting on my disgust for this country and the way things are here. It might have started when I told him about the Ladies' Home Journal magazine. I picked it up in my mailbox the other day, and who should be on the cover but dear old Dubya Bush and his wife. I was afraid to touch the magazine, it was so contaminated. But I took it by the tips of my fingers, and without looking through it or anything, made a dash for the trash chute.. and dropped it a satisfying four floors [as high as it could go] down to the dumpster. I don't like Bush. From Iraq to Cuba, now.. *sigh* I don't even want to talk about it.. But.. like someone's banner ad said.. As long as he's not screwing interns, this man can do no wrong.
And it's true.
America seems to be very mixed up when it comes to the concepts of morality and common sense.
And I was telling the husband the other day.. As soon as I get my chance, I'm moving out of this country. There are soooo many things wrong, that I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to know anymore. One could say, "Then why don't you do something about it?" But.. it's like.. it's so bad.. that we are just beyond hope. Everything sucks here. Even the politics of the way things are run at my own college campus.. which, maybe I'll get into that at a later time.. but I am just apalled. And disgusted. And sick to my stomach.
He agreed with me whole-heartedly.
As always, I cope for now by ignoring and blocking it all out.
And until then.. we're making plans to move to Vancouver.
Hey. At least I can walk around topless up there..
So much for freedom..
~*~
*sigh* I feel stupid after writing this. Oh well.. I'm tired.. What was my point?
[go marlins.]
LJ