Have you ever just wanted to completely destroy something? I must've been in that mood this morning.. Today, I deemed myself unfit for social interaction..
I once read this book called Quiet-Crazy. I came across it as I was shelving books at the library in Orlando. That's really the best part of shelving.. the books you'll run into. It caught my eye because it was a small book, and the spine was a bright green. Plus, the title.. "quiet-crazy".. what's that supposed to mean, right?
Well, the point of the title was that there are two kinds of "crazy." There are people that you know are crazy, and you can just tell by their erratic mannerisms or whatever else.. And then there are people who.. you'd never tell just by looking at them. They keep it inside, I guess. They're quiet about it. I think I might fall into the latter part.
My counselor told me this: When you don't deal with things, or things are never resolved, and you just forget about them.. where do the feelings that were attached to those thoughts go? They stay there, unassociated with a thought now.. and they just build and build.. until they start taking a life of their own. Or something like it. Perhaps that's why I can never make any sense. Too many life forms inside me dragging me this way and that. Twenty years' worth of unresolved, issues, my dear.. What the hell can that do to a person?
And today I snapped. Like a regular crazy person.
The husband guy is always planning things for me.. And today we were supposed to go have dinner with his parents for his mother's birthday. I didn't necessarily not want to go. I think maybe I didn't want to drive. I'm so sick of driving.. someone else, please take the wheel..
But.. I dunno.. the morning [or afternoon] started off okay. I was bullshitting on the computer, we were watching tv.. Until he started some bullshit talk in reference to something on tv, and I told him I didn't want to hear any of it, but he kept going anyway. He always does this. It's just a stupid brain-less mtv program, but he's gotta get all excited about legal implications, how the school is gonna sue and this and that. I wouldn't mind so much if he could talk softly, but he always talks so loud and forcefully and elevated. Just calm the fuck down and shut up. Moreover, who the fuck CARES?
'Drives me up the fucking wall..
So that started my bitch mode. Put me in a bad mood.. And I had all these urgent and intense feelings rising of not being able to stand the guy.
Then I was in the bathroom about to take a shower. He was in the bathroom, too, for some reason, I forget why now. I wanted to punch him, though. I asked him if I could punch him in the stomach. He was acting too mopey about it, so I said, Fine, can I punch you on your leg. He held out his leg, and I punched him in the thigh a few times..
'Wasn't satisfactory.. I really wanted the stomach.
I don't know what happened that we were in the bedroom. He was on me.. and I just really wanted him to push him off.. and hurt the guy.. make him fall to the hard floor, which is a long fall, because they have the beds high.
We "wrestled", I guess. And not friendly wrestling. He moved to his bed on the floor. I buried my head in the covers on my bed. I was asking him to leave several times. But he wouldn't go. I was getting desperate, and my inability to tolerate him was reaching max danger zone. I was saying over and over, "Please go, please go, please go, please go.." I started crying.
I really wanted to hurt him.. and I was afraid of how much I'd be able to contain myself. I had already bitten him and punched him, and he already threatened to go to the police with it.
It was so fucking urgent. I just needed him to leave. But he continued to fight me on it. As he always does.
I was losing it. I just needed to breathe, and he wouldn't grant me that.
During a struggle, and while crying, I told him I can't stand him. I told him I hate him. I told him he ruined my life. I was purely bitchy and antagonistic. Anything to get him to leave.
Why can't a fucking person just grant me some fucking space when I need it?? Why is it so fucking hard??
He did finally leave.. He told his parents on the phone I wasn't "feeling well." He said he'd give me a couple days to "get my head straight."
Just the other night, I was feeling "lonely" without him. Then I do this here today.. I'm fucking psycho, I know this.
After everything, I spent the rest of the day in bed. 'Took some dayquil for my troubles.
I wish someone would kidnap me or something. Get me away from here. Maybe try to rape me. Maybe try to kill me. Give me something tangible to fight for. And if it does me in, it does me in. But at least it would be over. I'm so sick of fighting air..
LJ