I can delete it if you need me to.. But.. I just thought *sigh*
I love it when someone can just sum up my whole problem for me. I love it when someone really knows me well enough to point out things that I didn't see.. or in such a clear, matter-of-fact manner.. This guy.. he always had this uncanny ability to really fucking understand me.. Even better than I can understand myself..
He wrote in email:
"You had Dan. First love. Reason you woke up in the morning, and reason you had dreams at night. The person that gave you the push that you needed to endure whatever shit it was you were going through with your mother. Taught you almost everything you know and hold dear. Your second father. He left you, with no warning in sight. He loved you, you loved him. You felt good. Boom. He's gone. You really havent been able to fully understand his reasons. And whatever it is that he told you, still dont fit.
You meet [Husband guy]. Full of life, talent, and creativity. Not to mention full of bullshit. Things that any man would use to lure a feeble heart like yourself into a relationship. Trapped, and married. You hate him, but cant live without his guide, nor his manipulative ways. You still hate him. Still love him though. Becomes down, abusive, jackass. That magic thing about him has been dimmed. Hes just a shell of the person that you met. Still you need him.
Then Me. Full of something. Border line idiot, and smart jackass. Sweet. Full of energy, never ending energy. Something about me, that drew you to me. Hmmm, I reminded you of your first. You feel that session of love. That feeling that makes you walk around on the tip of toe, feeling like a fucking queen. Time went on. And you realized that I didnt have the edge, or that push that you need. You realize that you are no match for me. I am beneath you. And that you are smarter then me, [Husband guy] is way smarter then me, Dan is smarter then....Tigger is smarter then me. The sex was good, but not the mind.
Now back with [Husband guy]. Same shit as before. Right back in that space. The never ending fighting. But he fuels you. Everything is familiar with him. Nothing new, and no surprises. You hate him, but need him. You now find yourself wanting something else. You find yourself questioning everything about your own life, and the choices that you made along the way. And you want to find yourself back at the begining. With Dan. Maybe he has some more stuff to teach you.
I find myself at a lost for words. Sometimes hoping that all this is a dream gone wrong. That I will awake one day. To find myself back in that place that I know so well, and loved so much. Covered by this purple thing. And to see a beautiful women prance in the room naked, doing sit ups to the tune of 93.1. Hearing myself say to this person that I love her, and she saying she loves me... things dont ever really go away. You probably have dreams when you find yourself back at home, with that same feeling. Where everything had a place, and made sense. These feelings just mask themselves from us, until they want to show us their face, and bring us back to that place.
I dont know if I make any sense to you Dani. I take everything you say, into consideration. Everything that you have ever uttered to me. I remember. Nothing escapes me. Not you scent, not your smile, nothing. Everything that you are going through right now, can either break you. Or make you. You decide. Which is which."
LJ