It's such a gloriously gloomy day out.
Honestly, these are my favorite days.. When the sky is overcast and gray. There's a smell of fresh moisture in the air. And it's quiet. And you know.. either something just happened.. or something's going to happen..
I have no internet right now. I'm writing this in notepad, as I normally do. I haven't been able to connect since last night. I don't know the number to call. But it's okay.. I can cope.
I woke up at 3:30pm today. To an empty apartment. What a lovely feeling. I had a "breakfast" of three sausage patties with sugar-free syrup, a couple slices of mozarella cheese, and coffee. yumm..
Just now, I put in Radiohead's Kid A. I haven't listened to that in FOREVER. And.. as soon as the first song started, it immediately drew back a wonderful memory: my little white car. During.. winter vacation, was it..? I worked for a couple weeks at the step-dad's place of occupation.. as a receptionist in the Human Resources office. Doing a 9-5 office job really does suck the life out of you.. But every day it was worth it.. Because every afternoon, I got to unwind driving the 45-minute ride home in my little white car.. and listening to Kid A..
Driving that little white car made everything worth it.
Life sucked in lots of ways back then, too. But that little white car.. it gave me that little tickle of happiness I needed. It was my therapy. Six of the absolute best months in my life.. But after I lost it.. Man.. I don't think I've been able to pull myself back up from that. Everything just keeps getting worse.. and worse.. and worse..
But at least I have a car, right?
No.. in some ways I think I'd rather be lamenting over not having a car at all.. There's ways to get by. And at least, then, I wouldn't be stuck driving around OTHER people, too..
Can you believe.. this morning.. I don't know what time.. but I'm still sleeping... and the husband guy, he actually asks me if I can give him a ridE?? He was leaving early to help a bud move into another apartment. And he actually complained to me about being late.. I'm just thinking to myself, "Boy, that's not my problem.."
Don't you just love when people like to force some kind of superficial responsibility on you in that way..? "I'm gonna be late." Not my problem. "I still love you." Not my problem. "You made things worse." Not my problem..
*shrug*
Backtracking a bit.. and speaking of Kid A.. I sat down next to this girl on the shuttle to south campus the other day.. And as soon as I did, she asked me if I went to the Radiohead show, referring to the buttons I have on my jean tote bag. "I have those same buttons," she said. And then we both talked about how much we loved the show.. I said a couple things.. she said a couple things about it.. And then.. I didn't know how to keep it going. She seemed like an incredibly interesting person.. Someone I would've loved to hang out with or get to know.. But.. without someone else initiating that sort of "move-ahead".. I really don't know how to get to that point. So.. I didn't have anything else to say.. She didn't say anything else.. and the ball dropped. Leaving us with the rest of the bus trip in silence.
That kinda sucked... And, of course.. I kick myself over it. Quite used to kicking myself over things..
LJ