I had Amnesiac running on a loop.
The lights were dim in my room. A corner lamp on my dresser and the purple lights on my window were the only things that were lit.
But I was in the kitchen. Sitting in a chair. Watching someone on the other computer out there. He would occaisonally turn to me, to show or tell me something, and I would somehow muster a response. We were waiting for his friend/my husband guy to get back. Amnesiac was lightly flooding into the kitchen.
My body would twitch every so often. A muscle here and there. It's amazing if you stop to think about how much you hold yourself in. At least I hold myself in a lot, anyway. So hard to let go. I carry myself as if I'm a huge stack of books without a bookbag. Tense. Careful. Awkward. Anything could fall at any moment.. The twitching.. I think it was my muscles finally letting go after such a long time..
I looked over at the guy in front of me, sitting at the computer. I saw him twitching, too. I laughed to myself.
I didn't want to say too much. I was afraid of what I'd say. I didn't want to sound or appear too "out of it." I was losing grips.. Swimming away.. But I didn't want to show it too much.
Reality was becoming altered. I felt like I was awake and asleep in the exact same moment. And in every moment, I had to question whether I actually just did what I thought the moment before.. or did I dream it? I never could be sure. I would stand up, try to walk around.. and it felt like I was floating. Everything was very cushy and comfortable. I didn't have to move.. I was being moved. Pillows and clouds. When I sat back down, it felt like I had never moved at all.
The music filtered in and out of my consciousness. This guy kept making comments about it. The first time, I thought he told me he listened to this all the time. But then several minutes later, he asked what it was. Later, he asked if I'd turn it up. It was good. It fit the mood perfectly.
I was still waiting for the husband guy to return. I watched the minutes go by on the microwave clock. Between 8:49pm and 8:50pm, I felt like I had fallen asleep and woke back up at least a hundred times. I was waking up and falling asleep in the exact same moment. Dreaming with my eyes open. Sleepwalking.
It was a long night of drifting in and out. I would keep thinking, "Okay, I'm fine. I'm back to normal now." Several minutes later, again, I was wondering if I just dreamt that last thought.
We sat around, watched some downloaded episodes of Sealab and Aqua Teen Hunger Force [or was that this morning..?], ate some Chinese, watched "Shadow of the Vampire".. eventually went to sleep. The next day was a bit trickier. We went downtown for an outdoor bookfair. I have NO idea how I managed to do my makeup and blow-dry my hair before we left. Feels like I dreamed it all. I splurged on three donuts on the way. Yes, I'm on a diet, but for some reason, I couldn't help myself. At the bookfair, details were hard to grab, and would vary in intensity. [Once in a while, I would see a face so clear. And sounds.. The night before, it would sometimes feel like I had my ear up to the speaker, even though I was sitting in the other room.] I don't know how I managed to read anything. I was even able to find a book I wanted. I felt like I was sleepwalking the whole day through, though.. Didn't come down until two hours after nightfall..
LJ