you can put me out
on the street
put me out
with no shoes on my feet
but put me out, put me out
put me out of misery..
today was an unimpressive day. hot. muggy. long.
i'm so retarded.. i need to stop worrying about what i want. maybe i need to stop worrying about what i can get. maybe.. if i knew what i wanted, i wouldn't be so concerned with what i can get.. i want it all, all i can get. but maybe "all" is too much. or maybe it's not my time.
just go with the flow..
or something like that.
let things be.
things are unfolding.. maybe i shouldn't be so eager. wait my turn for things to come.
the fire is puffing out. i don't know what happened. i was doing so well. social interaction was becoming easier. but now it's a struggle again.
i need a regular source of inspiration, i guess. one that is my own. not someone else's.
i dunno.. i do so well to build myself up, but.. when i'm about to falter, it's twice as hard. so much work to be back where i started.. i need to stop fighting myself. maybe i need to stop having someone fight me.. that's draining enough in itself..
but oh well..
i hung out a little bit with a girl last night. of all things. the girl world is so different from the guy world i'm used to. it's warmer. i like it.
we were just sitting on her bed, talking. i can't think of a better way to spend with another human being. girls like to talk about problems. it's really nice. and during my visit, she'd get several calls from other girlfriends. they're worried about their boyfriends. and she would reassure them. such a wonderful system of support..
normally i would be afraid to pry into another person's personal life. that's, like, an area that i never go to. but i tried it a bit last night. and she was receptive. it was okay to ask my questions. i somehow always think it's never okay. i need to stop doing that. i guess it takes practice..? and a bit of the stepping out of what is comfortable to me..
you're working so hard
and you're never in charge
your death creates success
and you'll build and suppress
change in the air
and they'll hide everywhere
and no one knows who's in control
[muse]
have i ever mentioned how much i absolutely love muse? just.. one of those music groups that absolutely took me. completely and fully. haunt and drive to the core.
LJ