I came to some odd realizations recently..
Last night, while getting ready for bed - washing my face, brushing my teeth, getting pretty and clean - it suddenly felt like a sad ritual. Preparing myself for death or eternal slumber.. or a passing on to somewhere in my sleep. And the thought suddenly came to me that the possibility of dying in my sleep really didn't bother me so much. In fact, I kinda welcomed it. If it happened, it happened. And it would be alright. Because I don't have any control over it. And that - that's alright, too.
It felt like goodbye last night...
Then, while lying in my bed, I thought about someone that I liked. And I was having a conversation with him in my head, as I often do. But suddenly I found myself trying to express in the most tactful way that, if he died, I wouldn't cry. Now, that's not a very nice thing to say to someone. But I was trying to make a point. And it wasn't that he wasn't a beautifully, fantastically interesting person that I admire in so many ways. It was me. "I haven't allowed myself to be affected by you," I told him in my head. It's a fault of mine.
And I don't want to live like that. I want to be affected by the people around me. I want to feel like it's okay to reach out and open up.. It's okay to care.. It's okay to get attached..
Or something..
I can't remember the last time I cried. Well, except for this morning, of course. This morning was the first time in a long time. It was nowhere near a satisfying cry, though. Just a few droplets of tears. But at least it was something. Something to get my eyes a little wet. And at least I felt a little more human.
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cos it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy
Writing your your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So let go jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cos there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cos there's beauty in the breakdown
[frou frou]
i'm afraid if i leave here i'll never come back.
LJ