*sigh*
i don't know, i don't know.. i'm going freakin' crazy.
where are you, danielle?
why can't i think? what is all this that i'm fighting?
i..
i just don't know.
i'm avoiding everything. last counseling session i was completely blocked. it was a very quiet session. we mostly sat there staring at each other. or me looking around the room. and then we talked about not talking.
"how does that make you feel?" he kept asking me.
but i didn't know.
i won't talk to myself. am i mad at myself? maybe.. who knows.
why won't you tell me anything?
don't want to do anything. don't know what to do. have things i need to do. but still don't want to do them. fighting everything. no, no, and no, i keep saying.
hollow and alone.
i used to have people i would correspond with through email. and we'd talk about life. there was one guy, patrick. he was twice my age. he said in email i sounded older than him. i skimmed through one of the old emails i wrote to him. surprised at all the feeling i was able to convey. surprised at all the things i had to say.
patrick, where are you?
but now i feel like there's nothing left to say.
i keep thinking i miss the feeling of being in love. i'm sure i do. the comfort of pouring out your heart to someone else. and somehow they understand. and they're there for you. and the excitement. the smile that sneaks in when you wake up in the morning. the affection. i had some affection from someone i used to love not too long ago. it almost made me cry...
i feel like the longer i go without opening up, the harder it gets. when i do really open up again.. god.. that someone better be prepared for tears. and shaking. because i will be very afraid. and fragile. but i keep wondering if i can ever even get to that point again. the kind of people i meet.. "i'm not looking for a commitment," they say. well, that's fine with me. i don't need a commitment. i'd rather not have a commitment anyway. i'd just like someone to love. someone to share thoughts with. i just want to say, "god, i love you. you are so awesome." that's it. nothing more.
but.. eh..
i wish i could tell myself that talking isn't as useless as i think it is. if something pops in my head, i might as well say it. 'never know what the other person might say back. interesting things can happen that way. and if they think i'm a little off, so be it. what's the harm? but if something pops in my head, i just sit there in silence and analyze it to death. how might the other person take it? would it matter if i say it at all? what if the other person comes back with something that i won't have a reply to? and it goes on.. and soon enough, something simple and fun turns into 5,000 tons that I somehow have to pull out of my throat and spit out. and then it becomes forced and never as natural as it sounds in my head. or, i just tire from the effort and don't say anything at all.
such is my predicament that i live with every goddamn day.
whatever that pill was took that predicament away. and i found my natural voice. i was thinking through my mouth. not letting it cook up in my head before i can come out with anything. the doc said lexapro would be doing something similar. but so far it hasn't done jackshit.
i'm getting so frustrated with myself. i'm getting ready to start punching myself in the chest and slapping myself in the face. Get over it, woman! i want to tell myself. What the hell is wrong with you??
You fucking idiot.
stop it. berating myself doesn't do a goddamn thing.
Yeah, but nothing else is working, is it?
leave me alone. why can't you be nice to me?
Because you're stupid. You're fucking lazy. Fucking retard is what you are. You can never do anything right. No one wants to be with you. You're a selfish little whore. Dense and naive. You have nothing to offer. And you're boring
*sigh* okay. i get it. you're mad at me. i'm doing the best i can. why don't you try working with me instead of attacking me?
please..?
we're all we've got. nothing's ever going to get accomplished this way. i may not be who you want me to be, but.. crap, it's not so bad. you can't be so impatient.
I've been waiting 22 fucking years to be released from these goddamned chains. Don't talk to me about patience, bitch. You are impossible. Fucking timid little...
oh, the rage..
i guess i can see that i am mad at myself after all. but it's good to get that communicated. i didn't realize this until tonight. i feel like i've at least opened up somewhat with myself.
anger is such a touchy subject with me, for some reason. i never want to admit when i'm angry. never. like i'm not allowed to be angry. it's forbidden. i totally repress it. but i don't even know i'm doing it. but it's such a struggle. and sometimes i wonder if a reason i'm afraid to get close to other people is because i'm afraid to get angry at them. keep things "pleasant." better to have nothing to say than to start something that may have someone offended. but that's how you learn about people, when there's conflict. it's not such a bad thing to get angry.
get angry. state why. work through it.
too much fear in getting angry, though. too, too much. i can't stand when things get ugly. it's uncomfortable and mortifying.
the only way to get over your fear is to throw yourself into it. desensitize yourself.
perhaps that's my next task.
LJ