Crap. I forgot all about the 6th again..
I was reading through my old entries just now, and.. as always, I get such a sense of how much I have lost myself. I can dig and dig and read all the self-help books I want, but..
I can't change the fact that I am unfree.
I am not free to love the one I want. Be it a past love or a future love.. What I have now is not the one I want. As dear as he may be..
And as long as I am not free, I feel I have to hide. And with hiding comes dishonesty. Both to myself and others. With hiding, also, comes repression and avoidance.
All things that I absolutely do not want.
My soul, no matter how mucky it may be, is always pushing for honesty and openness.
But how do you achieve that when you are not free?
I feel like I must continue to adapt to someone else's terms. Meanwhile stifling my own desires. Just to keep things "pleasant."
That's not the life I wanted.
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
I am afraid of so many things. I'm afraid to even delve into that list of fears and admit most of them..
I'm afraid of people hating me or being disappointed in me or thinking I am ugly or my soul is ugly or I am stupid or naive or mislead or ridiculous or not good enough or annoyed by me or bothered or in any other way inconvienced by me.
And I am afraid of hurting anyone.
I'm afraid.. I'll never love anyone again like I once did.
I'm afraid of ever getting hurt like that again.
Of being vulnerable again.
Of being ridiculed.
Of being ignored.
Of being revealed.
And I've barely begun that list. That's about all I'm able to admit to myself now..
When I first came here, I was always smiling. I was even asked, "Why you always smiling." I couldn't help it. Life was delightful. I was free.
But now.. I notice myself constantly frowning. I'll be frowning, like the corners of my mouth will be tight and bent down, and I'll become aware of it every now and then and have to ease up on my mouth. And I become irritated that I actually have to do that.
Am I that dissatisfied with my life that I am actually unconsciously frowning all the time??
And I hardly ever cry now.. But I watched the last half of My Girl 2 today, and that one part where first the mother and then "Vada" sings the song to "Shelly's" baby..
Smile..
Though your heart is aching..
Smile..
Even though it's breaking..
And I actually started crying at that.. Through all the pain, the anger, the frustration, the stress, the anxiety.. through it all.. Somehow in the midst of it, I had forgotten to smile..
And I haven't missed him yet..
What's that say..?
Being married, it feels like my life is already over before it's even begun.
LJ